I'm Magnetic AF, Why Can't I Find The One
Finding the one. Burned Haystack method. How to find better dates, quality people when dating. Why am I still single? I'm a nice woman, why can't I find a guy.
User Question: I’m not sure what it is, but it seems on the whole that dating is drastically more challenging in a post-Covid world. I’m a charming af outgoing and magnetic woman who knows what’s she wants and has done years of growth work - I’ve healed anxious attachment, I’m learning to lean out so that men can take the lead, but (cis het) men seem unable to rise to the baseline for what I expect from connection building with someone new. It’s disheartening af! And then when I do connect with people successfully (out in the real world off the apps, which is surprisingly fair often), they’re often uninterested/ unavailable for developing intimacy or a relationship. I have so much hope and grace for men, but the real life experience of trying to date them makes it increasingly hard to hold onto hope.
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Dating in a pre-covid vs post-covid world is drastically different, harder. I will address this in a separate post, stay tuned.
Why Is Dating So Hard? Why Is It So Hard To Find A Partner?
I get this type of inquiry quite often from clients. Dating is hard, and as a man, I would say it’s harder for women. Guys are more vocal because they dominate platforms like Reddit and will quickly blame others like like gender ratios when it’s clearly not the only thing or main thing holding them back. Sure, odds are stacked against men but they are also stacked against women too.
A lot of people tend to focus on their strengths but have a hard time uncovering biases while others struggle with working on certain areas of their lives (health, appearance, lifestyle choices, personality, mindset, first impressions, social skills, realistic expectations or deal-breakers).
Everyone has the right to be picky - time is one of the most valuable things we have as humans on this planet. Similarly, who you spend your life with is arguably the biggest decision one can make in life, yet most people don’t invest in their dating lives like they do with education, career, health, finances and mental health.
People tend to wing-it with dating. Others surround themselves s with cheerleaders who are great for motivation and support but terrible for being brutally honest, pointing out biases and holding people accountable for their mindset and actions.
There is also a lot of bad advice out there - people getting advice from people who never used apps, from friends who have unhealthy relationships and marriages and from others who either have been single all their lives or have advantages you don’t or different criteria for a partner than you
Nuance is needed to answer most individual cases but hopefully this will shed some light on the dating frustrations.
If you are struggling with dating and need one-on-one coaching, take a look at my website for details on my offerings. I work with men & women seeking long-term relationships. I help to work on weaknesses, play up strengths, understand audiences and apps all while working to make you more marketable and self-aware.
Check out my dating services here.
You Attract Who You Are, Not What You Seek
This seem obvious but it’s not. A lot of people are quick to highlight attributes they think are high in demand. While these may be important to you , it might not be important to others.
For example, men think wealth, great job, being nice is enough. Others might think being tall and attractive is enough. While it may be enough for some, it’s not enough for all. These are all superficial attributes and there is nothing wrong with possessing these attributes but a woman who has money, has a career and has a lot going for her doesn’t need a man’s money. Being nice is, well just nice but it doesn’t mean you are charming, confident or ambitious.
Similarly, if height and looks are all you are pinning your value on, it shows suggests that you think less of women and that they are superficial being themselves. I am not saying looks don’t matter. They do for some, more than others, but there are so many other qualities that you might be lacking that make you a catch. Those that rely on looks can be narcissistic, a-holes, lack self-awareness and empathy or lack substance.
As for women, don’t think I forgot about you. I work with a lot of successful women i.e. C-level execs, MBA’s, intelligent women etc. who want someone similar in a man. That’s great and all but not all men want the same. Unfortunately there is a portion of men who want a woman who won’t challenge them, is traditional/conservative, will depend on them (financially) or won’t intimidate them.
Many men will seek out women who are younger for these reasons but also because they can. There are plenty of women who will oblige their preferences.
It’s sad but these men exist.
That said, it’s your job to filter these time-wasters and find men who want you. Don’t expect the trash to take itself out.
I am not advocating that you change or lower your criteria or blindly adopt recommendations like: Women Need to Date Carpenters Like Men Date Yoga Instructors but something needs to change. It can be technique, it can be seduction skills, it can be placement, it can mean being proactive. Instead of leaning out, you may need to make the first move.
Some men love a woman who is driven, charming, accomplished and done lots of self-work but for one reason or another, you have not found them.
you don’t visit the places they go to
you have friends who talk you out of guys you might be interested in
you want a ready to order boyfriend and if he is high in demand, he will have options perhaps women who are younger
you prematurely filter out men based on deal-breakers that some would argue should be preferences
I know this sounds discouraging but there is hope. One option is to treat dating like a stock market and look for hidden gems that others have overlooked. You can invest in men who don’t check off all your boxes, yet, but are on a path to reach that destination.
A lot of men become who they are with the help of women. I know countless guys who did a 180 after being in a relationship with a quality woman. A lot of guys date up vs the inverse and I am not saying women need to date down but you do need to acknowledge your competition and understand what other women are doing to find a man.
Before the attacks come in, I am in no way suggesting it’s up to women to fix guys, lower their standards, or teach a guy to become relationship ready but that is the focus I have seen some women take. You don’t have to change anything with your approach or technique but if that is the route you wish to take, you will have to give yourself a longer time frame to meet someone.
Unfortunately for women, on average, men can afford to wait around longer when it comes planning to have kids on their own through natural methods.
Making Yourself More Marketable
Time/availability/location
Attractiveness
Preferences/deal-breakers
Personality, empathy & self-awareness
Ability to screen profiles, read people and use good judgment
Drive, ambition, (on-going) self-work
If you rank each of these 6 areas equally on a scale of 0-100, you can see how each area can affect your dating life. The more deal-breakers you have, the longer it will take to meet someone. The less time you have, the harder it will be to meet someone. The more unpleasant you are, the harder it is to meet someone. The harder it is for you to use good judgment, the more you will waste time with the wrong people.
On the flip side, the more attractive you are, the more you may need to rely on better screening skills to filter out the wrong men (more money, more problems situation).
In some cases being more marketable is not about attract more men on apps, getting more advances offline as it is making yourself more marketable to the small sliver of men you want to attract.
In question above, the user mentioned she has done a lot of self-work and that is great but that doesn’t mean one should be done and be viewed as a finished product. Similarly time spent doesn’t always translate into efficiency or effectiveness.
Someone can go to the gym and spend countless hours a day lifting weights but if he/she has a poor diet, uses the wrong form, smokes/drinks a lot, only work out their arms not their legs etc. they may not see the results they seek vs someone who spends a fraction of the time in the gym.
The other option is to have someone troubleshoot every aspect of your life including appearance, wardrobe, personality, lifestyle choices, biases, deal-breakers, ability to read people etc. It doesn’t have to be me but it can’t be someone that is biased and knows you (friend, colleague, family member). These people are usually unwilling to be brutally honest with you and don’t see you they way a stranger would.
