Finding The Needle In The Haystack While Dating
How to screen profiles, read people, avoid time-wasters and liars when online dating. Sifting through likes on dating apps. Too many likes on dating apps. Overwhelmed with dating apps.
Reader Question:
How to find the needle in the haystack - the likes are overwhelming and I seem to make bad choices about who to match with, who to meet in person, and who to give the benefit of the doubt.
Too Many Likes On Dating Apps (Bumble, Hinge)
This is a problem a lot of women have. It’s annoying really because most of the men that expressed interest are ones you likely have zero interest in. The thing is, these services are not ordering apps. This is not Burger King, you can’t get things your way.
It’s important to understand a few basic concepts before wasting too much time on them and growing hopeless.
Most men on dating apps don’t read profiles or if they do, they dgaf.
The ratio of men to women on apps is so lopsided that many men deploy a volume approach (more likes means more matches, more matches means more dates)
Having too many likes is not a problem but it can be if you suffer from paralysis by analysis, don’t know how to screen profiles, don’t know what you want or don’t cut off time wasters soon enough.
How To Screen Profiles On Dating Apps, Dismiss Time Wasters Online Dating
If you want to keep your sanity, you have to learn to screen profiles and read profiles efficiently.
Use the right apps (some apps have better filters, more men seeking relationships than others).
Learn to analyze photos and bios/prompts (what do they suggest about intentions, effort).
Avoid ambiguous profiles, low-effort profiles (those that don’t fill out profiles)
Don’t send messages to guys who send you messages* (if they don’t acknowledge your boundaries, deal-breakers, etc, they don’t need a reply why you rejected them).
Reporting vs Removing Profiles; Blocking Profiles; Repeat Profiles On Dating Apps
When you tap x on Hinge or left swipe on Bumble, all it does is remove a profile from your screen temporarily, it’s not permanent.
Remove don’t ‘X’ on Hinge, select remove (3 dots in corner of screen)
Report profiles that are doing shady things, send you unwanted messsages
If you see a profile that you already removed or blocked, report it and tell the app you already removed/blocked the profile (some people create new profiles under different accounts).
Attracting Who You Are, Not What You Seek
It’s a lot of work to sift through profiles you are not interested. No matter what you put in a profile, you will get tons of unwanted attention.
Given this fact, a lot of women tend to not take apps seriously and don’t fill out a profile or don’t put a lot of effort in them. This is a huge mistake.
Rather than dwell on unwanted attention, focus on the type of guy you want to attract. If you post photos in bikinis, post narcissistic photos or post cliche photos, you may be attracting more unwanted attention and may be turning away quality men.
Fill out your profile, be picky, state what you want, take dating seriously. The more you dabble with apps, the more you will get low-effort men dabbling on apps as well. It can turn into a race to the bottom quite easily.
The more generic/vague your profile is, the more low-effort men you will attract. Be specific, be vulnerable. State what you want vs what you are trying to avoid. Don’t sound jaded.
Too Many Likes On Hinge, Bumble (Dating Apps); Stop Being A Passenger In Your Dating Life
A lot of women I know are overwhelmed with likes on apps. They wait to see who likes them and focus on those profiles first. Stop doing that. Stop being a passenger in your own life.
Instead of looking through your like queue to see who likes you first, go to the main queue and send likes to men you are interested in. That way you can control the match queue vs sift through profiles you are not interested in.
Use filters, be aggressive. You may need to pay for advanced filters to sort through profiles quickly and avoid false positives.
Dating App Green Flags, Giving Men The Benefit Of The Doubt
Give men a benefit of the doubt if they:
read your profile
don’t ignore your deal-breakers and
make an effort
Your goal is not to maximize likes. It’s to maximize quality likes, messages and effort.
Meet up with men who plan dates, rather than wing it. Aviod men who are dodgy, are slow to message, have contradicting info online, don’t fill out profiles or are too smooth when it comes to messages. Go out on dates with men you are excited about or interested in learning more about. Avoid going on dates for the sake of going on dates because you are lonely or haven’t gone on dates in a long time.
Avoid matching with men far away unless you travel to that location often and are planning on moving. Go on dates where men make the effort to work around your schedule and read your profile about your drinking or dietary restictions.
Seek out men who match your values and respect your boundaries. There are ways to week out men who are toxic or childish. I can’t lay out specifics as men will just dodge the mistakes but there are ways to use better judgment. It also helps not to be lonely, depressed etc. In some cases, it helps to do a quick background check to see if information is in sync.
Not All Dating Apps Are The Same - Differences Between Dating Apps
Sure there is a lot of overlap in users on the apps but that doesn’t mean they are all the same. They have different algorithms and filters. They also have different info such as bios, prompts, captions, location and more. I recommend apps to individuals on a case by case basis based on certain factors like:
Location
Gender/Orientation
Deal-Breakers/Lifestyle
Ethnicity
If you think they are all the same, then it’s likely you are beyond help (too jaded, too dismissive and unable to understand nuance, context). If you are unwilling to give me the benefit of the doubt and my years of experience, you are likely unable to give a great guy the benefit of the doubt who may not be doing a great job selling himself.
Final Thoughts: Overwhelmed With Dating Apps, Too Many Likes, Too Many Choices Online Dating
In my coaching sessions I help women filter out men online, via messages and date planning so they can reduce the time and money wasted on sitters, cabs, drinks/meals etc. I also will assess profiles, photos, messages sent/received, date ideas and help with background checks.
If a man lies about age, height etc, then you should immediately cut things off. If he lies to you upfront about small things, what else is he lying about, insecure about? If his default assumption is to not trust you, you have to respect yourself enough not to give him the benefit of the doubt when he clearly doesn’t deserve it.
About Eddie Hernandez
Analytics geek turned dating coach (as seen in the NYT, Bumble). My clients span straight men & women and gay men seeking relationships, those primarily from large cities i.e. San Jose, Los Angeles, NYC, Chicago, Seattle, London, Sydney, Tokyo, Berlin and those who struggle with first impressions, dating apps, meeting people offline, screening dates and planning fun dates.
Press: https://eddie-hernandez.com/press-articles/
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