Too Busy To Date: How To Date When You Are Too Busy For A Relationship
How Do I Meet Quality People If I Have No Free Time? What to Do When You Have No Time to Date, Finding Time to Date When You're Super Busy; Signs You're Not Ready For A Relationship Any Time Soon
Reader question: Am I really busy and don’t have time to waste, how do I meet a great man?
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Friends (biased, possess attributes you don’t)
Family (biased, unwilling to be brutally honest with you)
Internet forums (blind leading the blind)
Dating coaches (focus on hot takes and less about individual cases, nuance, context and your unique experiences)
Too Busy To Date, What To Do When You Have No Time For Dating, Too Busy For A Relationship
One of the most common questions I receive from potential clients revolves around time, being too busy to date and having a hard time making a relationship work.
A lot of people want to date intentionally, desire to be in a relationship but lack the time, effort and focus to give dating the attention it deserves. Dating is not just about the time needed to go on a date, but time and effort needed to:
-screen profiles, read people,
-ask questions, get to know people,
-plan dates, confirm plans
Oddly enough, the people who pose this question the most to me are career folks who are entrepreneurs, founders, executives or looking to attain a title or salary figure or other financial/career benchmark in their lives. In most cases, the question comes from women.
Dating can take up hours a week if you factor dating multiple people, spending time on apps, coordinating baby-sitters (if you have kids) and getting to/from dates. Going on one date with one person can take up to 3-4 hours if factor all the things above.
I Want A Husband, Kids: Personality, Mindset
When I evaluate inquiries from clients, I can usually learn a lot by their tone and words used. I turn down roughly 70% of inquiries for various reasons but mostly so I can focus on those I think I can help the most and those that will help the societal dating pool at large.
When I hear someone say this, it reads to me that the person is looking to check off a box, and attain some end goal: health, career, finance, husband and kids - check. This feels way too transactional. More successful clients typical approach me with attributes of what they seek, what they are doing to better themselves and ask for help.
Clients who think they are perfect, don’t need additional self-work, are too busy and/or complain are usually the type that struggle the most with dating and relationships. These people ironically need more time and effort to undo biases, reset expectations and think differently when it comes to dating but issues of time usually arise.
I get dating is not easy and it’s good to discuss difficulties and frustrations but when most of the time is spent criticizing others vs acknowledging where you can improve and work on, it’s a big tell in understanding mindset, focus, willingness to do what it takes.
Too Busy To Date: What Men Want Vs. What Women Want
A lot of people in successful backgrounds and careers typically inflate their self-worth or dating marketability. Unfortunately things like education, salary are not always at the top or near the top of what men ant.
In the Pew survey from 2017, one can see the differences between what women want and what men what.
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2017/12/05/americans-see-different-expectations-for-men-and-women/pst_12-05-17-gender-02-00/
When people are looking for different things in a partner, a stalemate occurs. Something has to give in order for things to change.
Unfortunately, men hold the cards here sort to speak given things like ability to delay family planning more easily, pay discrimination and casting a wider net for a partner (i.e. dating someone with lesser/no degree, being more flexible with height requirements, dating across ethnicities etc. - all of these are on average, not absolutes).
Taking It Slow: Dating Takes Time, Effort & Realistic Expectations
People drastically underestimate the amount of time it takes to meet a quality person. Sure, it can happen before you know it but it may also take many, many years.
When you are asking someone to give you their time and share the most important thing they have in life (their time), of course people are going to be careful, use good judgment and take their time to make the right decision.
Unlike saving for home, working towards a promotion, studying for an exam, working out to gain muscle or eating to lose weight, dating is not as structured - there are lots of variables and unique circumstances that can expedite or drag out how much time it takes to meet someone.
Everyone has that friend that met the love of their live, got engaged in 6 months, got married that year and had a kid all within 1.5-2 years. This is possible but it is not likely. A lot of men who either haven’t had much dating experience or are in their late 20s to mid/late 30s prefer to date 3-5 years before thinking about marriage/kids.
Unless you find someone who is willing to get on the same timeline as you and is proactively planning for a marriage and family, don’t assume he is onboard with your plan if the only confirmation is when you bring up the topic.
Are You Date Ready? Are You Available For A Relationship? Dating vs Being In A Relationship - Too Busy For Love
Dating is something people overlook way too often and easily. They think they will magically meet someone eventually or it will take care of itself. The truth is, most people don’t invest the time and effort into dating and relationships like they do with other aspects of their lives (health, education, work, career etc.)
There is a fine line between dating and relationships. Relationships require even more communication, vulnerability, coordination, planning, feedback, and honesty. You may have to spend less time with friends, you might have to cut back on group exercise classes, weekly brunches, or your favorite reality tv show.
There is also a fine line between maintaining boundaries vs not growing and not making time for others - if you expect someone to perfectly fit into your life, you may have a distorted view on how relationships work.
When people are first dating, they are on their best behavior usually leaving small details out about their lifestyle, commitments, availabilty, etc. Don’t expect someone to change for you - you can force or expect someone to change because you think you are magnetic AF or because you think you have it all. Change has to come from within.
I tell clients if they here someone say they are too busy or don’t have time to date - listen to them. They are outing themselves - don’t ignore red flags.
How To Be More Efficient With Dating, How To Make Time For Dating
Tips on how to be a better dater, manage your time and get more out of dating.