Why Online Dating Is Getting Worse
Why dating apps have made modern dating worse and why they still should be used as a method for meeting others. Hookup culture, swipe fatigue, low-effort, jaded attitudes and mental health.
Why Online Dating Is Terrible, Why Dating Apps Have Gotten Worse
Unless you live under a rock, you can escape all the complaints about dating apps in 2024. Whether it’s Reddit forums, Tik-Tok videos, NYT articles, venting at bar seats at restaurants, frustration with apps is at an all-time high.
Most people blame entire genders, apps, hookup culture, poor behavior (ghosting) or societal norms as the main reason for the lack of success.
I don’t disagree that apps have gotten worse (they don’t favor those who are short, old, a person of color, have alternative lifestyles or live in remote areas) but blaming others can only account for so much of one’s dating failures.
Before you can place all the blame elsewhere, you have to start with yourself first.
Self-Sabotage In The Modern Dating World
A lot of people on dating apps either lack self-awareness, have friends who are giving them terrible, biased advice or try to make a joke profile through hot takes or meaningless answers to prompts.
A lot of people are unaware of how they come off in profiles. The ability to view yourself the way others do is paramont.
Online Dating Is Hard: Lack Of Vulnerability, Honesty
It’s much easier to accept rejection with a playful, effortless profile than it is to be vulnerable, honest and make a sincere effort on apps. A rejection of your true self is harder to accept than a rejection of a superficial or incomplete version of yourself
Don’t get me wrong, the amount of low-effort profiles and messages out there at an all-time high. Not everyone is looking for a relationship, not everyone reads profiles but that shouldn’t matter to you. You are not trying to attract everyone (at least you shouldn’t be).
Your goal should be to weed out the trash and focus on quality people. To do that, you need to fill out a profile, use filters, make an effort, be patient, and work on yourself to be the best version of you that you can be. Stop mimicking what you see and focus on attracting the type of people you want to see vs doing what you think people want to see.
Dating Apps Suck: Mental Health, Anxiety
The number of people who are experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety is near an all-time high. Thanks to covid, rising costs of living, displacement due to WFH, crimewaves, job market, isolation, lack of mental health professionals and difficulty securing medication, people are really struggling out there.
Sure, dating apps seem like a good alternative to meeting people offline but unless you are aware of how apps work, are self-aware, have thick skin and don’t rely on apps for all or even most of your dating efforts, they can make things worse for you.
Dating apps give a false sense of connection and hope. Notifications, ambiguous signals, lack of accountability and endless options are a recipe for disastater especially if you have a difficulty sifting through the noise.
Too Ugly For Online Dating: Boring Lifestyles
There is nothing wrong with boring lifestyles, being a homebody or being shy, reserved, introverted or having niche/unusual hobbies but you should know that dating apps are for the masses. As such, the more you ignore people’s preferences, the more likely you are to not get likes and matches.
Similarly, the less life experience you have and the harder it is to make a connection through a prompt/photo and the harder it is to convey interest, effort.
In the above answer, the person above self-sabotages themselves by sounding resentful, bitter and blaming others for not accepting his lifestyle.
Rather than stating what you don’t want, state what you are looking for.
Not Knowing When To Quit - Online Dating Addiction
If dating apps are not working for you, stop using them. It’s pretty simple.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Too many people rely on dating apps way too much. Dating apps should account for only 50% of your dating outlets, max. One should focus on meeting others organically as well via classes, events, hobbies, becoming a regular, expanding interests and through friends.
People often make the mistake of treating dating apps like a game or utilizing a volume approach.
More likes > more matches > more dates.
This is a bad approach and strategy. Chances are your likes are low-effort (no comments). If you are sending comments, it may not matter if you lack self-awareness, good profile or are ignoring other people’s preferences.
Being Happy On Your Own, Living A Fulfilling Life
People are in a rush to date, settle down and while there is nothing wrong with that, it’s much easier to do if you have a good foundation. This includes being happy on your own, having a good social circle and having a fulfilling life so you don’t put too much pressure on a new dating prospect to be your everything including:
best friend
therapist
financial advisor
social planner
cook, house-cleaner
fitness partner
You need other people in your life to balance things out and make you a better person.
You need to take care of yourself first.
Should You Use Dating Apps?
There is no straight answer for that. Like all things in life, it depends.
It depends on your photos (no they don’t have to be professional).
It depends on your demographics (age, lifestyle, interests, hobbies, location)
It depends on your effort (profile bios, prompts & messages)
It depends on your ability to use good judgment (screening profiles, reading people assessing red flags and maintaing boundaries)
It depends on your realistic expectations (are you honest with yourself)
I would argue that around 30-40% of people on dating apps currently should delete their account immediately (either using the wrong app, have unrealistic expectations, don’t know what you want, don’t have time to date, photos don’t look like you or have lies in your profile).
For another 30-40% of you, I recommend re-working your profile and putting in more effort, honesty and detail. Stop trying to be cute and funny and start thinking about what your photos and answers signal and see if they attract the type of people you want to meet.
For the rest of you, you should continue to use apps but use them sparingly. Limit usage, make sure you have time to be present, stop utilizing volume approaches and try to be more selective. Go on fun dates. Don’t ignore preferences, values and lifestyle choices you or the other person have - I know looks and interests can be eye-catching but stop basing swiping decision on superficial checkboxes.
Online Echo Chambers: Reddit, Are We Dating The Same Guy, Tik-Tok etc.
There is a lot of bad advice out there. It’s easy to believe things you hear/read about especially if they come from communities that don’t incorporate thoughtful discussion and can often become toxic.
Yes, we need to help each other filter out timewasters, liars etc but we must also not falsely accuse anyone. I browse these forums occasionally and things can easily get out of hand.
Rather than relying on communities and strangers on the internet for advice, it’s important that one works on themselves to improve good judgment, ID’ing red flags, cutting off time-wasters sooner, maintaining boundaries etc.
TL;DR - Are Dating Apps Worth It? Does Online Dating Still Work?
I know there are a lot of bad apples on dating apps but can’t let these folks drag you down. Stay positive. A lot of people who think they are a catch on paper struggle because they have terrible attitudes and personalities.
We are all a work-in-progress - you don’t have to have it all together to find success with dating but you should be on a path of self-improvement. It’s hard enough to be accountable to yourself, let alone be responsible for others.
About Eddie Hernandez
Analytics geek turned dating coach (as seen in the NYT, Bumble). My clients span straight men & women and gay men seeking relationships, those primarily from large cities i.e. San Jose, Los Angeles, NYC, Chicago, Seattle, London, Sydney, Tokyo, Berlin and those who struggle with first impressions, dating apps, meeting people offline, screening dates and planning fun dates.
Press: https://eddie-hernandez.com/press-articles/
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