Meeting People Offline: Thirds Spaces, Social Groups & Activities
How to meet people offline, in-person. Tips on meeting new people. Third places to meet friends, romantic dating interests. Passive approaches for women to meet men.
Modern Dating by Eddie is written by Eddie Hernandez, dating coach based in San Francisco. He works with men & women seeking long-term relationships.
Unlike other dating coaches, he doesn’t deliver hot takes on Instagram or Tik-Tok, doesn’t go into red-pill theories nor does he overlook personal experiences when working with clients one-on-one.
He focuses on the building blocks of successful dating attributes like:
first impressions, social skills, hygiene, body language
photos, bios, prompts, messages, strategy, timing
filtering profiles, understanding preferences and deal-breakers
ID’ing red flags, cutting off time-wasters & reading people
Read more about him here: https://moderndatingbyeddie.substack.com/about
Reader Question:
Your events newsletter has a nice selection of events and "third places", but it would be helpful to get more detailed advice about how these events can best facilitating meeting new people. Earlier this week I read a book that's primarily intended for straight women and suggests a strangely passive approach that largely assumes that men will initiate conversations, ask for contact info, propose dates, etc. I'd be interested to hear your version of advice for meeting people offline, with a focus on the connections between building friendships and dating.
Have a question, leave a comment!
Why Third Spaces Are Important, Helpful
Great question. Third spaces can provide a more relaxed environment than bars and speed dating events. Usually people are at their best doing the things they love, are passionate about, share an interest or at least are curious about said space, group or activity.
Lots of people have bad dating profiles (believe me, I have seen tens of thousands of them over the years - men, women, gay & straight) and so being out in the real world can allow people to see you in 3D. Typically it’s easier to connect with someone offline, in person when you have various things to start a conversation vs. dating profiles with limited information.
I recommend doing social things like sitting at communal tables, doing hands on or group activities (cooking classes, trivia nights, book clubs, group exercise etc.). Having a common interest or being at a place for the same reason kind provide a natural segeuy for conversation.
How Third Spaces Can Help You Meet People Offline
Some people need to to warm up to you or vice-versa (they want to make sure you are single before approaching), want to see how you interact with others before making a move or just waiting for the right time to say something interesting, witty or unique.
Since Covid, a lot of people are sick of apps so you can meet other/new people beyond those online. People spend too much time online, at work with friends etc that they are looking for ways to disconnect.
Similarly, it’s easier (and more likely) to connect with someone who is local (friendships/dating chances are increased when you are closer, are able to see each other more frequently and share similar interests and experiences).
There are people who are terrible at writing and better at conversations in person. People are lonely and seeking friendships as well so third spaces can provide options for killing two birds with one stone - friendships and possible dating interests.
Things like speed dating events can feel a bit forced and awkward (chances are the same people you meet at these events are also on apps).
Third Spaces And Social Validation + Verification; Benefits Of Third Places
When you remove layers of ambiguity and anonymity in person, it can help expedite things like evaluating potential romantic interests:
is this person the height they claim to be
does this person look like their photos
does this person live here in the city vs lying about location (and living in the burbs)
Similarly, having some social validation helps to increase trustworthiness - i.e. does the barista know this person, is this person visible in the community. It’s harder to be an a-hole, liar or married in public than it is online.
Expanding hobbies, interests and talking points should help with dating in other outlets as well. The more you do, the more you experience the more communities you are apart of, the more you have to draw from in conversations on apps, first dates and the like.
Dating Options & Maximizing Outlets - Alternatives To Online Dating
I have said it countless times on my site, in client coaching sessions, interviews with publications/news outlets - never rely on one method for all or even most of your dating efforts.
Organic/offline efforts should always be used for at least half of your dating opportunities. Similarly, the same techniques to make friends and meet potential dates are the same.
Be approachable (looks, outfits, body language, facial expressions, get off your phone, take off your headphones)
Go to the places that attract the type of people you want to meet
Be strategic with your placement at bars, events and more*
The last one is key. If you spend too much time talking to a-holes, time-wasters etc. it will do one of two things:
Make it harder for a man who wants to talk to you to approach you as some guys are courteous and don’t wish to interrupt women when they are with friends or talking to other guys
Make it appear that these men are the type of guys you are interested in given how much time you are entertaining their advances
One should enjoy and seek out third spaces, hobbies and the like for themselves rather than for dating purposes only otherwise it’s obvious why you are there in the first place.
Creating Openings vs Making The First Move
Physical placement is key when you are at social events, bars or restaurants. As a woman, if you are always with a group of women friends, you might be creating this barrier limiting who can approach you. It’s hard for most men to approach women one on one let alone when with friends. The type of men who are good at approaching a group of women, well, they are usually a certain type.
There is a fine line between making a first move and being proactive in meeting men you want to meet. The idea of this is called creating openings for natural, organic opportunities for regular conversation. Many women are not comfortable making a first move and similarly, I do think men need to make some sort of move to convey interest.
In my coaching sessions, I go over specific ways to create openings for women in live scenarios (bars, cafes, restaurants, events, galas etc.) either in person or over video calls. Part of the work is social skills and mustering up courage but a lot of it is letting go of one’s ego, having a fulfilling life to draw from and knowing how to read people.